Ramblings (A lot of them)

Last week my dad and Grandpa Sheets came for a day to put on our new roof! And just in time since the rain just keeps coming. This was the first time Grandpa has been to our house. I was able to show him around school and he thought Mitch and Winter were hilarious.

I attended a lunch lecture this last week about equine infectious diseases worldwide and what is being  done to try to halt disease from spreading. One of my professors traveled to Ethiopia last year for a conference on this subject. Many people make their living using cart horses to transport anything they can find - people, bricks, construction materials, food, etc. Most of these horses are slim and some are very thin. The owners do not have the funds to pay for vaccines, routine health care, commercially made tack (they make saddles, bits, bridles out of whatever they can find), or proper hoof care let alone well built homes. They are living on less then $2 per day. There are several outreach groups that are providing treatment, vaccines, and education free of charge to the owners of these horses. This presentation reminded me just how much I have to be thankful for. I have never known want, I have never gone hungry for more then a few hours, I have clean water, a warm place to call home, a sewer system that works, animals that are companions, a wonderful education, the gospel of Jesus Christ, a loving husband, strong family support, good friends- what on earth could I possibly complain about???? What more could I possibly want or need?

I am humiliated to say that I can come up with more. This week Randy was offered a job working for University of Idaho working with Sage Grouse in a similar area to where he was earlier this year. So once again, my Randy is leaving me. I know I should be grateful that he continually acquires field jobs that will hopefully allow him to find a full time permanent job or get into graduate school. I am one of the lucky girls in my class that gets to live with her husband for 6 to 7 months a year, and not only see him for a few days during breaks for the 4 years.  But I am so tired to being left. I want to start a family, but I'm not sure if that will ever be possible with us constantly living apart and me going to school or work full time (since I have racked up quite a debt load). I am so tired of being hopeful that something is going to work out to have it come crashing down. I am tired of not being excited about what I am learning. This semester has beaten me up and spit me back out again. It has made me question why did I ever want this to begin with. What is it that is so wonderful about vet med that is worth all of this effort and sacrifice? The song 'Done' by The Band Perry is a near perfect description about how I feel about this semester.  

Then there is actual clinical practice of vet med. I probably read too many blog posts about how difficult it is to be a vet and a normal human being. 'You can never please anyone' seems to be the biggest complaint. Clients blaming you for only caring about the money, working late every day of the week and weekends, not having time to properly care for a family, the list goes on. Since I haven't made it there yet, I can't say I have had these experiences, but they don't seem too outrageous. I realize I don't want to work overnights, weekends, or emergencies all the time. Does that make me a bad/lazy veterinarian? I don't want my kids raised in day care.  This would be much easier if I didn't go to vet school. Then we could go where ever Randy got a job, I could stay home and raise our family. But for some reason I was strongly prompted to apply for vet school at WSU. As Randy won't let me forget, I am supposed to be here. I thought I knew why, but now I am not so sure. I can't see why Heavenly Father would ask me to do something that 'seems' to go against what I have been taught. I can't see how it is possible to be a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, veterinarian, and pay off my student loans. There does not seem to be enough time to do all those things well.

My sweet Randy keeps reminding me there is a reason, that everything will work out, don't give up, and to remain faithful. A blogpost from Veterinarians Behaving Badly, has become one of my favorites. It is formatted as a letter to a new grad and if you want to read it you can find it here. The author says 'Focus on the animals... remember you will have limitations... our profession rocks... you are a healer... do not let this job take over your life...'. Slowly I may be able to find my passion for vet med. Hopefully spending time with family and not cramming for exams will give allow my exhausted brain to find my reason why.